I have 3 jobs — old (SK chair), floating (english teacher), new (call center agent). The first one I had since I was 15. The second was short-lived, 4 months to be exact. The third one is barely a month old. I’m not actually focusing all my energies into making a lot of money for myself. Coz it won’t work. Even how many jobs I have, I’m still broke. Bad. I also do not wish to be recognized as a model youth. Coz even how overworked I am, no one notices the efforts I make. All is still not enough. Just yesterday I happened to bump into this guy who acted rudely and criticized me for not doing ‘enough.’ Criticisms they say are healthy. They make one grow into a better person. It is with criticism that one evaluates himself and eventually drives himself to do greater things. But I don’t wanna go on anymore. I am tired of hearing so much about me. Attacks that are so unwelcome that it pains me to even continue the things that should be done. I am drained. I am bruised. But I am thriving. A bit embarassing to accept, but yes it hurts to be called ‘undeserving’ because there is truth to it. Reality hurts, it bites hard. Years before I decided to deal with things easy. I thought that people would just be contented with small things so I just continued doing small steps at a time, believing that small steps will lead to big things. But I realized that people are impatient and one-sided. They care only of what they think and feel. What can I expect? I tried to contain my feelings for years and just went on with life. But every now and then I am dawned with huge and dark clouds. Roofs and umbrellas are not enough when storm comes. I know I need something stronger to shield me. I couldn’t find comfort, I couldn’t find peace. I want something more. I need… All the drama, it’s a facade… I can be the greatest pretender I wanna be. But at the end of the day, I’m back to my old damaged self. Oh my, the river starts flowing now! *sniffs* I feel mad coz it’s not enough to wipe my tears. But crying actually makes me feel happy. It calms me. I love it that my mind and heart gets flushed once in a while. Crying renews me. I just pray that in the long run, I won’t be numbed by the bitterness inside me. I like to feel sadness and pain because they open up my eyes. These feelings make me aware of the deepest needs of my soul. I know there’s much to nurture but I’ll not take the aggressive way. I’ll wait ’til I reach the time for me to learn the proper release. That time when I can let go of every fear, worry, and all the negativities that follow. It’s sad that I can’t just cry anytime someone or something hurts me. It’s hard being an adult. Adults have a problem with showing their real emotions in public. There are a lot of rules. Fronts need to be built for one to be thought of as a grown-up who’s mature in handling responsibilities. But hey if people always mock you, does it mean that they care about what you say or do? Does it really matter that we listen to them? Isn’t it more ideal to follow what’s in our hearts? If I want to roll on the ground with mud to feel how it is to be a kid again, why do I first worry if I’d be laughed at? Real people do stupid things. Those who follow rules are fake. I am. I can’t help it. These are disorganized thoughts. They pop out one by one. This is me. Broken. I need to find some pieces. I need help. I need you. I don’t know exactly what you can do. I guess I can only figure in time. Don’t be fooled with what you see coz it’s not always what you can get from me. It’s not my fault that you assume, I never told you to. If you’re okay with what I can offer, it’s all up to you. But please, don’t blame me. I am struggling. Bear with me.